Easily the hardest

This is easily the hardest choice I have ever had to make. And Before I get into this, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at ALL to me. Don't make a comment, don't talk to me about it. This was really hard for me to do and I wont take any backlash from anyone. I have been struggling. I mean really struggling. My job wanted me back two weeks after I had Shirley, that didn't happen. We did get sick though. To get to the point I quit my job. But I hate that word. See, I have been in my CAREER for FIVE years. That's a half a year shorter than I have been married. So it's like a marriage, my job. I've built this relationship, we have had our ups and downs, thankfully, mainly ups. I LOVE my job. It is challenging and rewarding and it is what I went to school for. And after 5 years I feel confident saying I am good at it. Now, there is always room for improvement, I sure know that. But give me an artic group with no time to plan, done. A group lesson, got it. A social skills group, one of my favs. And oh those kids. I sure love those kids I work with. Like, their in my prayers at night. And I love the people I work with. Actually there are very few things about my job I do not love. Well, to be honest there are two. And their names are Porter and Shirley. And that's why this was such a hard thing for me. Those two, Porter and Shirley, they are my world. I made them. With some help... But they are mine. And I want to do right by them. I didn't have them not to raise them. So if I love them, why is it so hard? Because I'm scared. I'm worried about money. (Who isn't) But we have worked REALLY hard to be where we are, and that is where we think we can make it. I didn't have kids to let the government provide for them. That's not right in my opinion. I had to go back to work full time when Porter was a baby, we needed insurance. And I did what my family needed. That's love. It sucked. It was so hard, so incredibly hard. But it was necessary. And then my job let me go part time, and we made that work while we paid off some debt. And now, now things are different. Sure, we could use the money. But it wouldn't be much. My location changed to a school 40 mins away, then there is gas, daycare and taxes. And after that, well there wasn't going to be much. It just didn't add up. Not for the stress I would be going through. And the hubs, he feels it just as much as I do. And my babies... Oh my babies. I was getting physically ill when I thought of leaving them. We had a really bad situation with Porter. And while that aspect would be different, just the thought of leaving them brought tears to my eyes. Sure, if my mom was here and could watch them I would still work. But she's not (although she is invited!) And then it's winter. And it is hard to leave your sick babies, and sometimes not an option. So now what? Now I am a full time mommy. A stay at home mom. I think they are called SHAM's. And you know what? I'm pretty excited. If I am going to stay home, I am going to rock staying home. It's been an adjustment. At first it was just maternity leave, but now, now its different. Caleb said I need to set goals and have structure. He knows me well. And that's what I've done. It also helps to put real clothes on. Sometimes I worry that I should have sucked it up and gone back, but then I look at those kids and I am thrilled that I am going to be home with them. And it's not forever, they won't always be little. And when they go to school I will head back to work. And if things get tight, I can work at night or on the weekends or start some blog and make money from home, right? :) So I did it. I did what was easily the hardest choice in my life to make. And it feels so RIGHT.