Easily the hardest

This is easily the hardest choice I have ever had to make. And Before I get into this, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at ALL to me. Don't make a comment, don't talk to me about it. This was really hard for me to do and I wont take any backlash from anyone. I have been struggling. I mean really struggling. My job wanted me back two weeks after I had Shirley, that didn't happen. We did get sick though. To get to the point I quit my job. But I hate that word. See, I have been in my CAREER for FIVE years. That's a half a year shorter than I have been married. So it's like a marriage, my job. I've built this relationship, we have had our ups and downs, thankfully, mainly ups. I LOVE my job. It is challenging and rewarding and it is what I went to school for. And after 5 years I feel confident saying I am good at it. Now, there is always room for improvement, I sure know that. But give me an artic group with no time to plan, done. A group lesson, got it. A social skills group, one of my favs. And oh those kids. I sure love those kids I work with. Like, their in my prayers at night. And I love the people I work with. Actually there are very few things about my job I do not love. Well, to be honest there are two. And their names are Porter and Shirley. And that's why this was such a hard thing for me. Those two, Porter and Shirley, they are my world. I made them. With some help... But they are mine. And I want to do right by them. I didn't have them not to raise them. So if I love them, why is it so hard? Because I'm scared. I'm worried about money. (Who isn't) But we have worked REALLY hard to be where we are, and that is where we think we can make it. I didn't have kids to let the government provide for them. That's not right in my opinion. I had to go back to work full time when Porter was a baby, we needed insurance. And I did what my family needed. That's love. It sucked. It was so hard, so incredibly hard. But it was necessary. And then my job let me go part time, and we made that work while we paid off some debt. And now, now things are different. Sure, we could use the money. But it wouldn't be much. My location changed to a school 40 mins away, then there is gas, daycare and taxes. And after that, well there wasn't going to be much. It just didn't add up. Not for the stress I would be going through. And the hubs, he feels it just as much as I do. And my babies... Oh my babies. I was getting physically ill when I thought of leaving them. We had a really bad situation with Porter. And while that aspect would be different, just the thought of leaving them brought tears to my eyes. Sure, if my mom was here and could watch them I would still work. But she's not (although she is invited!) And then it's winter. And it is hard to leave your sick babies, and sometimes not an option. So now what? Now I am a full time mommy. A stay at home mom. I think they are called SHAM's. And you know what? I'm pretty excited. If I am going to stay home, I am going to rock staying home. It's been an adjustment. At first it was just maternity leave, but now, now its different. Caleb said I need to set goals and have structure. He knows me well. And that's what I've done. It also helps to put real clothes on. Sometimes I worry that I should have sucked it up and gone back, but then I look at those kids and I am thrilled that I am going to be home with them. And it's not forever, they won't always be little. And when they go to school I will head back to work. And if things get tight, I can work at night or on the weekends or start some blog and make money from home, right? :) So I did it. I did what was easily the hardest choice in my life to make. And it feels so RIGHT.

Fire Station Christmas or CA part 1

We got into Ca late Friday night. It was a long drive. On Saturday my brother in law invited us to his Fire Station's Christmas Party. I thought about not going, but both of my CA sisters were going. That's a no brainer. I miss my sisters. So we drove to the OC and had a great time! They had firetrucks to look at, cars to ride, a bounce house and a Taco man. That may have made it for me. So delish! We had a blast and Shirley was so happy to meet more of her family. Don't be jealous of the quality of my camera phone...

Big Brother is watching..

So you may have noticed my blog was private for a few days... I posted about the hubs' work party.(post below) But I put the company name. And at 7:30 my hubs chats me that his coworker sent him an email notifying him that my blog was in the company google alerts. UH what?! Yeah, I SO do NOT want his bosses reading about me pumping in the storage room. Random strangers? Sure. Coworkers of the hubs? Not so much. So I panicked, made a few changes and then made my blog private. Phew. Glad that's over. And just because I can here are a few pictures:

Christmas Party 2012

We went to the hubs work Christmas party. This makes our third party. crazy. I thought we would be long gone by now :). It was a black tie event with an old Hollywood feel. They has a red carpet and a photo shoot when you walked in that was on a jumbo tron in the main room. It was at the barn at Thanksgiving Point. It also started at the time I would need to feed Shirley. I planned on pumping on the drive over, but the battery pack was dead. So I thought I could pump in the bathroom. No outlets. By this point I'm super bugged. So I find a storage room and an outlet, squat down (I'm in a skirt and heels) and start doing 'my thing' only to have a man walk in. Awkward. I was covered of course. But still. Then another lady walks in and then another man and girl and then I stopped counting. That was fun. Shirley has been working on the nursing thing so I haven't given her too many bottles, and it was like she forgot how to eat from a bottle. It came out too fast, too much and before I know she threw up everywhere. She was upset and I was stressed. Luckily she is pretty chill and calmed down quickly. And my mood increased! We had dinner and an awesome performer. I was dying laughing and if my hubs wasn't so reserved I would have been up dancing and singing. It was awesome. Then the usual Q style. It really was a fun night. We got some swag, I got a nice black hoodie and the hubs got a nice jacket and a white hoodie. We really are grateful that Caleb has a job with a good company that he likes. I am so grateful he has a job that has insurance (that sadly isn't anywhere as good as mine was). It was fun to get dressed up and have a night with friends. We sat next to my favorite Q people, Katie and Karen. Sadly, I didn't take a picture of the girls!

'Tis the Season

I always feel like Christmas comes and goes in the blink of an eye. I was worried with a new baby that things would go even faster. So I tried to take time in my own hands. We decorated our Christmas tree before December 1st even! My friend made me an amazing program to teach about the Savior and the true meaning of Christmas and we have been doing a lot of those activities. We watched the Christmas devotional (crazy to think that last year we went there, thanks to my friend Kristal) We made a day trip to SLC and while it wasn't lit up we did see the decorations. I am trying to get more than Santa across to Porter. In fact he doesn't really know anything about Santa, I haven't really taught him or showed him. Not that I don't BELIEVE in Santa, I DO! But, I need to be more focused on the Savior and what Christmas is really about. And I have been loving it. We will go take our pictures with Santa, I will tell him who he is and what he does, and Santa will come, albeit small and practical but he will be there. But for the majority of this wonderful season I wanted to make sure my focus is where it needs to be. Porter loves Christmas trees and loves the lights. Christmas is always magical to me, but it just seems perfect with a child. We had the hubs work Christmas party last night and it was fun (post coming) and our ward party on Saturday night and that was fun too. We still need to make ginger bread homes, go to the Riverwoods at night, drive around to see lights and go to Temple Square at night but I really feel like I have a hand on this season. It helps that I plug our Christmas tree lights in at 2 and leave them on till bed time and that Christmas music is a big part of our day!

One Month

Hello World, This is my very first post! Life is pretty good on the outside. I was really mad when I had to leave my womb, but I am starting to like my new room! I am a very smiley baby. For my mommy. Sometimes I will be smiling away and my mommy tries to show other people and I get shy. I also love to make eye contact. Pretty much from the day we came home from the hospital I would just stare in your eyes. Everyone has commented on it, they all say it's like I'm seeing their soul. I think I am just figuring out who each person is. I am kinda sassy. If I don't like something I will let you know. I like to be swaddled, and rocked on my right side. At first I needed the sound of running water to calm me down, now I don't need it but I sure do enjoy listening to it. My mom says I don't have half the appetite my brother had. I will eat for maybe ten mins on each side, if she is lucky. I still take a long time to eat though, and usually need to stare at you for about 15 mins in the middle of eating. I sleep six hours, eat and then sleep four more. One night I slept 8 hrs, ate and then slept 4 more! I don't really like my car seat but if I am forced to be in it I will usually fall asleep (after I scream). I really love to look at the lights, I love our Christmas tree. I have the best big brother around and love his kisses. The other day I pulled his hair and my mommy thought it was really funny because it is usually the other way around. I love it when my Daddy holds me, I just lay my head on his chest and fall right asleep. I guess I'm a pretty good baby. My life is pretty happy and I am loved tons. My mom says time is flying by so we are trying to enjoy the small things. See you next month! Love, Shirley

Hospital Visitors

We had a great stay at the hospital. I really love my time there. The food is amazing, and if you know me that is saying something. The first night my mom stayed with me and Caleb went home to be with Caleb. I loved having that time with my mom. She is such an amazing lady and I cherish these memories we are making. The next night with Caleb was awesome. It was fun to be alone with him and get him all to myself. We were also lucky enough to have some of our friends and family visit. Kdog, can you email your pictures so I have proof you came and sat with me for HOURS! It's really neat to have a new baby and see the love and support of those close to you. I was spoiled with lots of cupcakes, food, and treats!

Ps. The picture of my mom meeting Shirley, she is crying. It was really sweet but also really funny to me. I know where I get my weepy eyes from mom!