Monday, January 23, 2012

Wrong Turn

I promise we had an amazing birthday, Christmas and crazy move. But the pictures will have to wait. We don't have internet set up yet so I've been blogging from my phone.

Today is a Monday. And I've had a bad case of the mondays. I blame it on waking up at 530 to go to a pump class at 6 am. Yes, I got my workout on but now I'm paying the price for waking up that early. I am NOT a morning person. Maybe in my dreams I would be, but usually it turns to a nightmare.

It started with a disappointing drs appointment. Where the big question wasn't answered. Lovely. Go ahead and keep my 30 bucks. Not like I needed it anyway. And you did such a thorough job. You totally earned it. Not.

Then I got a call from my lady and she mentioned how she was helping my sister. And then I turned green. Possibly emerald green. And this is where I took the wrong turn. I sat and felt so sorry for myself. Sorry that we don't have more money. Sorry that finding a suitable and afforable daycare for pman is so hard. Sorry that I have to cook dinner because we really can't afford to eat out (though I would if we could. Like every night.) Sorry that everyone has it easier than me. Sorry that we made a choice to provide for our family and be honest and work hard and not take handouts that are there for those that desperately need them, not because they are there. This sorry lasted only a second. This is the one area where I am truly republican. And proud of it. Then I felt sorry about my car. About how much I dislike it. How I know it needs new tires but those cost a pretty penny. Then I felt sorry for feeling sorry.

And that's when I realized it. I simply took a wrong turn. I forgot to find the joy in my journey. Just for this little bit. I am so grateful I get to go to the gym. I would go crazy if I couldn't. I'm grateful I have insurance and can figure out what's going on. Granted it will be with a new doctor. I am grateful for my sisters and that there lives are full and happy. I am grateful for my mom who does so much to bless other peoples lives I sometimes worry whose taking care of her. I am grateful we have a fridge full of food and that I can cook using fresh vegetables. I am grateful that I have a sister who is watching pman while I get this whole daycare thing figured out. I'm so grateful I only have to work two days. And that I have the best jobs in the world. Mom, wife and speech tech. I love each one tremendously. I'm grateful that Caleb and I are honest, hard working. And that we are paying off our debts on our own. And earning every single dollar we make. That's something I am really grateful for. I am grateful for my car. Sure I want a Chevy traverse. Bad. But that can wait.

Because I am loving this journey. Yes, its hard. So hard. But I've got my best friend to cuddle with a night and laugh about how we are going to enjoy the finer things of day. I'm enjoying this little boy we created. Twos are a hard age, I'm learning. But I've learned to bite my tongue and count to a hundred. And laugh. Cuz this kid is pretty Dang funny. And while I will stress about the bills, the tires and the babysitter. I know that this is not the end. This is the journey. And I'm having one heck of a ride. And today a took a wrong turn. I forgot what really matters. I let myself get distracted by those passing me by. But its ok now. I did a u-turn and I'm back on track. And couldn't be happier. And if you stop by or happen to see me, the Windows were down in the car today, that's why my hair looks like this. Just enjoying the breeze.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A Poem to sum up last night...

"Oh God, I was so cross to the children today. Forgive me. I was discouraged and tired- and took it out on them. Forgive my bad temper, my impatience and most of all, my yelling. I am so ashamed as I think of it. I want to kneel down by each of their beds, wake them and ask them to forgive me. But I can't. They wouldn't understand. I must go on living with the memory of this awful day, my unjust tirades. Hours later, I can still see the fear in their eyes as they scurried around trying to appease me, thinking my anger and maiacal raving was their fault. Oh God, the pathetic helplessness of children! Their innocence before the awful monster- the enraged adult. And how forgiving they are, hugging me so fervently at bedtime, kissing me goodnight. All I can do is straighten a cover, touch a small head burrowed in a pillow and hope with all my heart that they will forgive me. Lord, in failing these little ones in whom you have put in my keeping, I am failing you. Please let your infinite patience and goodness replenish me tomorrow." - Marjorie Holmes. That was me last night. The "enraged adult". I was mad and he hurt me and I lost it. And the hubs was there and his look of disgust just affirmed my failure. I yelled. At my baby. And then felt like complete and utter failure. And then came home and found this poem my mother in her wisdom and knowledge sent to me when I first had pman. I put it aside, because I was certain I wouldn't ever need it. Oh how I need it. In a world of perfect parenting blogs and never talk about losing it friendships I so needed this. And to say I'm sorry. I am so sorry. But this poem gives me hope, maybe just maybe I'm not alone...