Lo.Lo.Lo V E

Happy Love day. I think my cupid must really love me because we agreed not to give gifts but man oh man did he give me a gift. I'm not going to say what it is. I will show you, soon. But they are my favorite color, and allow me to like Utah more. And I've wanted them forever, but never thought I would own them. And I LOVE them. But I didn't need a gift. I've got you hubs. And together we have Porter. And that's better than any gift. And I love you. For being you, for wearing matchy clothes, for wearing matching costumes every year, for being an amazing daddy, for working hard, for supporting my career, for supporting me in running, in everything. I love your eyes. I love you. And I love my gift :) Thanks!

Wrong Turn

I promise we had an amazing birthday, Christmas and crazy move. But the pictures will have to wait. We don't have internet set up yet so I've been blogging from my phone.

Today is a Monday. And I've had a bad case of the mondays. I blame it on waking up at 530 to go to a pump class at 6 am. Yes, I got my workout on but now I'm paying the price for waking up that early. I am NOT a morning person. Maybe in my dreams I would be, but usually it turns to a nightmare.

It started with a disappointing drs appointment. Where the big question wasn't answered. Lovely. Go ahead and keep my 30 bucks. Not like I needed it anyway. And you did such a thorough job. You totally earned it. Not.

Then I got a call from my lady and she mentioned how she was helping my sister. And then I turned green. Possibly emerald green. And this is where I took the wrong turn. I sat and felt so sorry for myself. Sorry that we don't have more money. Sorry that finding a suitable and afforable daycare for pman is so hard. Sorry that I have to cook dinner because we really can't afford to eat out (though I would if we could. Like every night.) Sorry that everyone has it easier than me. Sorry that we made a choice to provide for our family and be honest and work hard and not take handouts that are there for those that desperately need them, not because they are there. This sorry lasted only a second. This is the one area where I am truly republican. And proud of it. Then I felt sorry about my car. About how much I dislike it. How I know it needs new tires but those cost a pretty penny. Then I felt sorry for feeling sorry.

And that's when I realized it. I simply took a wrong turn. I forgot to find the joy in my journey. Just for this little bit. I am so grateful I get to go to the gym. I would go crazy if I couldn't. I'm grateful I have insurance and can figure out what's going on. Granted it will be with a new doctor. I am grateful for my sisters and that there lives are full and happy. I am grateful for my mom who does so much to bless other peoples lives I sometimes worry whose taking care of her. I am grateful we have a fridge full of food and that I can cook using fresh vegetables. I am grateful that I have a sister who is watching pman while I get this whole daycare thing figured out. I'm so grateful I only have to work two days. And that I have the best jobs in the world. Mom, wife and speech tech. I love each one tremendously. I'm grateful that Caleb and I are honest, hard working. And that we are paying off our debts on our own. And earning every single dollar we make. That's something I am really grateful for. I am grateful for my car. Sure I want a Chevy traverse. Bad. But that can wait.

Because I am loving this journey. Yes, its hard. So hard. But I've got my best friend to cuddle with a night and laugh about how we are going to enjoy the finer things of life...one day. I'm enjoying this little boy we created. Twos are a hard age, I'm learning. But I've learned to bite my tongue and count to a hundred. And laugh. Cuz this kid is pretty Dang funny. And while I will stress about the bills, the tires and the babysitter. I know that this is not the end. This is the journey. And I'm having one heck of a ride. And today a took a wrong turn. I forgot what really matters. I let myself get distracted by those passing me by. But its ok now. I did a u-turn and I'm back on track. And couldn't be happier. And if you stop by or happen to see me, the Windows were down in the car today, that's why my hair looks like this. Just enjoying the breeze.

A Poem to sum up last night...

"Oh God, I was so cross to the children today. Forgive me. I was discouraged and tired- and took it out on them. Forgive my bad temper, my impatience and most of all, my yelling. I am so ashamed as I think of it. I want to kneel down by each of their beds, wake them and ask them to forgive me. But I can't. They wouldn't understand. I must go on living with the memory of this awful day, my unjust tirades. Hours later, I can still see the fear in their eyes as they scurried around trying to appease me, thinking my anger and maiacal raving was their fault. Oh God, the pathetic helplessness of children! Their innocence before the awful monster- the enraged adult. And how forgiving they are, hugging me so fervently at bedtime, kissing me goodnight. All I can do is straighten a cover, touch a small head burrowed in a pillow and hope with all my heart that they will forgive me. Lord, in failing these little ones in whom you have put in my keeping, I am failing you. Please let your infinite patience and goodness replenish me tomorrow." - Marjorie Holmes. That was me last night. The "enraged adult". I was mad and he hurt me and I lost it. And the hubs was there and his look of disgust just affirmed my failure. I yelled. At my baby. And then felt like complete and utter failure. And then came home and found this poem my mother in her wisdom and knowledge sent to me when I first had pman. I put it aside, because I was certain I wouldn't ever need it. Oh how I need it. In a world of perfect parenting blogs and never talk about losing it friendships I so needed this. And to say I'm sorry. I am so sorry. But this poem gives me hope, maybe just maybe I'm not alone...

Bring it on

2012 that is! I am ready for this new year. I can't wait to see what it holds for us. Lives can change in a year and I am excited for some positive changes to come our way! I am in the middle of packing up our house right now. And as I was doing so I had an epiphany; I have too much CRAP. I don't need it. I don't need undershirts in every color of the rainbow, I don't need my high school basketball shoes, I don't need half of the stuff I have. So I made a new years resolution (which is different from a goal) I am going to rid my life of the crap. I am going to get RID of the things I don't NEED. I am giving myself an intervention. There will probably be tears and possibly things from 10 years ago that I just can't give up but I am going to do it. And you know what? I'm really excited! I want to become a minimalist. I don't want clothing to be something that I am attached to, or that I do to fill a void ( I am a shop-a-holic). So any of you out there that have any tools, tricks or advice please share! I'll keep you updated on my progress!

Have a Very Merry Christmas

Let's be real

Do you ever read peoples blogs and feel like you have no idea who they really are, or that the seem to have the picture perfect life? Well I do. And that's just not my style. So here's whats going on, on my side of the fence:

We've been busy. Friday night we went to the BYU basketball game at the Energy Solutions and sat on the court. It was awesome. We have been able to do this a few times and it is really fun. And ridiculous. They herd you back during half time and feed you fancy treats and soda and candy and have little goodie bags under your chairs. You can literally smell the players sweat. You can get in fights with the refs. It's been fun and I hope we get to do it a few more times.

Sunday we went to The First Presidency Christmas Devotional. My friend got tickets and took us. It was amazing. The building is always awe inspiring and sitting in the same room as the prophet is always exciting. Plus the beautiful message of the true meaning of Christmas is always a welcome topic. We had a blast.

Monday we went to dinner with friends, it has been too long. So long in fact that the owner of our restaurant sold it and we didn't even know. Prob wont be going back. Tues I had my hair done. Wed we had Caleb's work Christmas party.

Yep, his work Christmas party. Right now I can easily name a 1,000 things I love about the Q. It was really fun and we sat with the best people. We may not have won one of the 6 cruises they handed out but I am grateful Caleb has a good job. I'm pretty sure there will be a movie about Q in a few years. One of the owners talked about gratitude, and how he was grateful for his employees. It was so nice and weird. We should be the ones thanking him.

I want to move. NOW. We found a dead mouse in our kitchen when we got home last night. We are so grateful Porter didn't find it first. I hate sharing a laundry room. I hate hearing things I shouldn't be hearing. I do love how big it is. I know it could be worse. I'm just ready to move on. I found a house to move to. It was big and cheap. It was a scam. I can't stand dishonest people.

The Doctor thinks I may have Celiacs disease. This would totally suck. But I have kinda gone gluten free until I can see the GI Dr. Wow. It is not easy but I totally notice a difference. I can't wait to know. Hopefully I will get an appointment soon.

Porter is growing like a weed. He has so many words AND signs. He is saying 3-4 word sentences and questions. He cracks me up. He loves to sing and dance. But let's be real here people. He learned how to punch. Not sure how, just sure I hate it. We are working on that. Poor kid got my bad temper. Yikes. But really this is my favorite stage. I'm loving almost every minute of this time.

I'm working two days a week and I love it. I love staying on top of my skills and being part of the professional world. I love the students I work with and the staff I work with. I feel like it's the best of two worlds.

Well I guess I'm done ranting. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest. I'm still itching to move, we are still in Limbo about our future (SO JUST DON"T ASK) I may have to give up a staple in my life= bread. And our sweet little man has learned a new skill. One that hurts. So there.

Four years ago...

Four years ago we spent our first Thanksgiving as a married couple in Taiwan. This is what we ate. Hot pots. Then we had a hot fudge sunday and saw a movie. I didn't feel like Thanksgiving but that didn't matter. We were together and in Taiwan. Four years later we still aren't with family (though I will be with my sister to go shopping at midnight) and we have our sweet Porter Boy with us. I have a lot to be grateful for. My family is on the top. I don't think I will ever care where or how my Thanksgiving is spent, as long as I have my boys with me.

P.S. I'm ready to go back to Taiwan now.