Sunday, September 30, 2012
That's me. I'm scared. I have 27 days left. But she is welcome to come late. 27 days and then I will have kidS. Two. A toddler and a newborn. A boy and a girl. I will have two car seats (not sure how they will fit in my car) two little ones. Two mouths to feed, two hands to wash, two people to keep alive. And that kinda scares me. But not as much as having the baby. As in bringing her into this world. Out of my body. That's what really, really scares me. What if I have the same problems, complications and sickness as I has with Porter. That's scary. I can't imagine what I will do. Porter will be aware if I can't sit, walk or move, and he will suffer too. Enough thinking about that. I'm also really scared of after I have her. I don't know if I posted it, but I had a hard time. I am pretty sure I had post pardom depression. But didn't realize it. Because all the doctors said if I had thoughts of hurting my baby. I NEVER had those thoughts. I thought he was perfect. I was so in love with him. I simply thought I shouldn't live anymore. I thought I wasn't going to be good enough for him, or I didn't deserve him. So I should probably die. Those were really scary times. Those thoughts were so real, if I think about them it makes me feel ill now. I didn't know to ask for help, I didn't want help, my mom tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. This is how I know prayers are answered. At three in the morning when I thought I should just kill myself (and it was always like that, very calm and matter of fact, I JUST should...) my mom and my sister katie were there. That time was such a dark time of my life. So dark I literally couldn't see a light at the end. And that's what frustrates me about post babies, no one ever told me about feeling that way. I know some people think of harming their babies, but what about those that never have those thoughts. We still need help. It is some much broader than they explained it to me. But know I know. And that brings comfort and terror all at the same time. So I'm scared. I'm really scared...
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
My sweet Porter boy, You are going through some changes. Some are normal growing and developing and some are not. I'm not sure what's going on in your world. But it has been rocked. And I am so afraid that if I don't get you back on track you will be even more in f or it when the baby comes. I need to find you a new sitter. It's just not working out. You scream and cry on the days I work, you get really quiet right after I pick you up. You cried the whole drive over there this am begging me to "please take you home." It broke my heart. I cried the whole way with you. I got to work late and teary eyed. Luckily, people expect that of pregnant people. The doctor thinks you have night terrors. You've been sleeping in our bed lately. At least that way we all get to sleep...sort of. I'm worried about you. You can't tell me everything. But I know something is wrong. I've had this gut feeling for awhile. And I'm done ignoring it. I had to leave work early to get you today. That stresses me out because I don't like to leave work when work needs to be done. But let me make sure you get this straight, I would quit in a heartbeat for you. I would work the night shift at Walmart of all places to make sure you are ok. I have something in the works, hopefully I will have good news to tell you tomorrow. But for now, know I am going to figure it out. Because I love you. And I worry about you. And I am so sorry things have been rough on you. You are normally a happy little man. I am going to fix your world. Because you are my world. I love you. Mommy/mom (depending on your mood)