Sunday, September 30, 2012

Scared

That's me. I'm scared. I have 27 days left. But she is welcome to come late. 27 days and then I will have kidS. Two. A toddler and a newborn. A boy and a girl. I will have two car seats (not sure how they will fit in my car) two little ones. Two mouths to feed, two hands to wash, two people to keep alive. And that kinda scares me. But not as much as having the baby. As in bringing her into this world. Out of my body. That's what really, really scares me. What if I have the same problems, complications and sickness as I has with Porter. That's scary. I can't imagine what I will do. Porter will be aware if I can't sit, walk or move, and he will suffer too. Enough thinking about that. I'm also really scared of after I have her. I don't know if I posted it, but I had a hard time. I am pretty sure I had post pardom depression. But didn't realize it. Because all the doctors said if I had thoughts of hurting my baby. I NEVER had those thoughts. I thought he was perfect. I was so in love with him. I simply thought I shouldn't live anymore. I thought I wasn't going to be good enough for him, or I didn't deserve him. So I should probably die. Those were really scary times. Those thoughts were so real, if I think about them it makes me feel ill now. I didn't know to ask for help, I didn't want help, my mom tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. This is how I know prayers are answered. At three in the morning when I thought I should just kill myself (and it was always like that, very calm and matter of fact, I JUST should...) my mom and my sister katie were there. That time was such a dark time of my life. So dark I literally couldn't see a light at the end. And that's what frustrates me about post babies, no one ever told me about feeling that way. I know some people think of harming their babies, but what about those that never have those thoughts. We still need help. It is some much broader than they explained it to me. But know I know. And that brings comfort and terror all at the same time. So I'm scared. I'm really scared...

5 comments:

Mrs. Hornberger said...

I'm sorry for your last experience, I know your recovery was rough in many areas. I hope and think you'll be fine. I also think I had post pardom with Owen and didn't realize it. But with baby #2 I was a whole different person because I had
To be. I feel like its harder to be sad when you have a toddler who is so aware of you and who needs you. It's easy to get lost into any kind of depression with a new born who you're still trying to figure things out with and adjust to. But youll have porter there to help you. When you feel like losing it, he will smile at you at the exact moment you need. When you're feeling blue he will come give you a hug with out even knowing you are struggling. It will be harder to feel "alone". Hell need to get out of the house, which will constantly force YOU to get out too. And that helps a ton. Im glad you posted this because now people can help you (if you let them) and be there for you. I love you and I'll be checking in on you often! I wish I was closer to help you in person. I really think you'll be ok but please call me if
You're ever struggling!
P.s. if your physical recovery is anything like your last, I might get a new OBGYN. love u :)

MeganandClaudy said...

You can do it! And so many people say labor/healing/complications is so much easier the 2nd time since the 1st paved the way. I will pray for you that it will be easier...both labor and after. I've also had several friends who had post-pardom/depression after their first, and because they did know what to expect the 2nd was way easier to handle. You kick butt at things, and you will do so with this challenge. And, I am always happy to help however I can. Please ask for help if you need it! Good luck :)

Rach said...

You are so much stronger than you realize! I can't say you won't have PPD this time around, but you have a great family and loving friends who are there to help you with whatever you need! And I agree, recovery is so much worse than anyone ever explained. I have a list of "problems" that I'm dealing with 3 months postpartum! ha! But I'm so excited to see your new little one! You are a great mom!

KRISTIE said...

((((hugs))))
I love you

Ashley and Blake said...

I struggled big time for at least the first year of Brody's life. I still feel like I struggle with depression sometimes but it continues to get less and less. My friend just had her seco d and she felt fine for about 2 weeks and then (since she had it the first time) she was really aware of it and knew the second she didn't feel right and called her dr. I don't have a second one but everything I hear is that it's so different. You know what to expect and can be more aware of what is normal and what isnt. You are a strong woman and an amazing mom. Those kiddos love you no matter what so you never have to worry about feeling inadequate with them. They will always need you and will neverbe better off without you! You are amazing and I'll keep you in my prayers for a good delivery and speedy recovery and no ppd! Don't be afraid to ask for help!