Big Brother is watching..

So you may have noticed my blog was private for a few days... I posted about the hubs' work party.(post below) But I put the company name. And at 7:30 my hubs chats me that his coworker sent him an email notifying him that my blog was in the company google alerts. UH what?! Yeah, I SO do NOT want his bosses reading about me pumping in the storage room. Random strangers? Sure. Coworkers of the hubs? Not so much. So I panicked, made a few changes and then made my blog private. Phew. Glad that's over. And just because I can here are a few pictures:

Christmas Party 2012

We went to the hubs work Christmas party. This makes our third party. crazy. I thought we would be long gone by now :). It was a black tie event with an old Hollywood feel. They has a red carpet and a photo shoot when you walked in that was on a jumbo tron in the main room. It was at the barn at Thanksgiving Point. It also started at the time I would need to feed Shirley. I planned on pumping on the drive over, but the battery pack was dead. So I thought I could pump in the bathroom. No outlets. By this point I'm super bugged. So I find a storage room and an outlet, squat down (I'm in a skirt and heels) and start doing 'my thing' only to have a man walk in. Awkward. I was covered of course. But still. Then another lady walks in and then another man and girl and then I stopped counting. That was fun. Shirley has been working on the nursing thing so I haven't given her too many bottles, and it was like she forgot how to eat from a bottle. It came out too fast, too much and before I know she threw up everywhere. She was upset and I was stressed. Luckily she is pretty chill and calmed down quickly. And my mood increased! We had dinner and an awesome performer. I was dying laughing and if my hubs wasn't so reserved I would have been up dancing and singing. It was awesome. Then the usual Q style. It really was a fun night. We got some swag, I got a nice black hoodie and the hubs got a nice jacket and a white hoodie. We really are grateful that Caleb has a job with a good company that he likes. I am so grateful he has a job that has insurance (that sadly isn't anywhere as good as mine was). It was fun to get dressed up and have a night with friends. We sat next to my favorite Q people, Katie and Karen. Sadly, I didn't take a picture of the girls!

'Tis the Season

I always feel like Christmas comes and goes in the blink of an eye. I was worried with a new baby that things would go even faster. So I tried to take time in my own hands. We decorated our Christmas tree before December 1st even! My friend made me an amazing program to teach about the Savior and the true meaning of Christmas and we have been doing a lot of those activities. We watched the Christmas devotional (crazy to think that last year we went there, thanks to my friend Kristal) We made a day trip to SLC and while it wasn't lit up we did see the decorations. I am trying to get more than Santa across to Porter. In fact he doesn't really know anything about Santa, I haven't really taught him or showed him. Not that I don't BELIEVE in Santa, I DO! But, I need to be more focused on the Savior and what Christmas is really about. And I have been loving it. We will go take our pictures with Santa, I will tell him who he is and what he does, and Santa will come, albeit small and practical but he will be there. But for the majority of this wonderful season I wanted to make sure my focus is where it needs to be. Porter loves Christmas trees and loves the lights. Christmas is always magical to me, but it just seems perfect with a child. We had the hubs work Christmas party last night and it was fun (post coming) and our ward party on Saturday night and that was fun too. We still need to make ginger bread homes, go to the Riverwoods at night, drive around to see lights and go to Temple Square at night but I really feel like I have a hand on this season. It helps that I plug our Christmas tree lights in at 2 and leave them on till bed time and that Christmas music is a big part of our day!

One Month

Hello World, This is my very first post! Life is pretty good on the outside. I was really mad when I had to leave my womb, but I am starting to like my new room! I am a very smiley baby. For my mommy. Sometimes I will be smiling away and my mommy tries to show other people and I get shy. I also love to make eye contact. Pretty much from the day we came home from the hospital I would just stare in your eyes. Everyone has commented on it, they all say it's like I'm seeing their soul. I think I am just figuring out who each person is. I am kinda sassy. If I don't like something I will let you know. I like to be swaddled, and rocked on my right side. At first I needed the sound of running water to calm me down, now I don't need it but I sure do enjoy listening to it. My mom says I don't have half the appetite my brother had. I will eat for maybe ten mins on each side, if she is lucky. I still take a long time to eat though, and usually need to stare at you for about 15 mins in the middle of eating. I sleep six hours, eat and then sleep four more. One night I slept 8 hrs, ate and then slept 4 more! I don't really like my car seat but if I am forced to be in it I will usually fall asleep (after I scream). I really love to look at the lights, I love our Christmas tree. I have the best big brother around and love his kisses. The other day I pulled his hair and my mommy thought it was really funny because it is usually the other way around. I love it when my Daddy holds me, I just lay my head on his chest and fall right asleep. I guess I'm a pretty good baby. My life is pretty happy and I am loved tons. My mom says time is flying by so we are trying to enjoy the small things. See you next month! Love, Shirley

Hospital Visitors

We had a great stay at the hospital. I really love my time there. The food is amazing, and if you know me that is saying something. The first night my mom stayed with me and Caleb went home to be with Caleb. I loved having that time with my mom. She is such an amazing lady and I cherish these memories we are making. The next night with Caleb was awesome. It was fun to be alone with him and get him all to myself. We were also lucky enough to have some of our friends and family visit. Kdog, can you email your pictures so I have proof you came and sat with me for HOURS! It's really neat to have a new baby and see the love and support of those close to you. I was spoiled with lots of cupcakes, food, and treats!

Ps. The picture of my mom meeting Shirley, she is crying. It was really sweet but also really funny to me. I know where I get my weepy eyes from mom!

Halloween 2012

This Halloween was a little different for obvious reasons. I bought Pman's costume, I didn't have the energy or the time to make one. First time for everything. I also didn't do a theme. He wanted to be a Football player, I was thinking Caleb and I would be the refs and Shirley would be the football. But we came home from the hospital on Halloween. It just didn't happen. The Saturday before we went to the Provo Riverwoods and had fun doing their Halloween festivities. Caleb took Pman trick or treating around our neighborhood this year. I'm still sad I missed it, I am already looking forward to next year!

Night and Day-A Birth Story

Shirley, This is the story of how you came to be... Sunday October 28th, I stayed home from Church because Pman was sick and I wasn't feeling well either. So we had a lazy day. Caleb and I stayed up late watching tv. I didn't want to go to bed for some reason (maybe my mind knew something..) I was talking to the hubs about our week, my mom was heading up the next day and I was planning on working Tuesday and Wednesday and was thinking maybe she would come on Thursday. I told Caleb I didn't want to be induced, I REALLY wanted to go into labor on my own. At midnight we went to bed. At 12:30 pman joined us (he is battling some sleep issues as of late) and at 1:30 I woke up with some pretty nasty braxton hicks. I had been tossing and turning for the past hour, switching sides thinking that would make the "fake" contractions stop. Finally I couldn't sleep so I got up and went over to Caleb and told him I thought I was in labor. He said (and I quote) "oh, ok, you should probably go back to sleep now." There was NO way I could keep laying there. Then (get ready for TMI) I had diarrhea. And contractions. And as I sat in the bathroom all I could think was I think I'm in labor. So I got online and read some stuff, and then texted my sisters because I didn't know what to do. And then I started walking, I walked upstairs and then paced the hallway. I can't explain why. Every contraction I had to stop and breathe. I thought I should maybe call the Dr. So I called and she told me to head to the hospital. I was in shock. So I went and took a shower and shaved and brushed my teeth and called my sister in law Claire to let her know we were on our way. I woke Caleb up and told him I was going to get Claire and then we were going to the hospital. He finally woke up enough to realize this was happening and he went and got her and I packed my bag. We drove to the hospital a little after 3:30. The drive over was terrible. I couldn't believe the pain. And of course we got stuck at a light for a few mins (until we finally drove through it) we got to the hospital and were checked right in. The nurse checked me and said I was a three. A THREE! I couldn't believe it. She said if I progressed in an hour they would keep me, if not they would send me home. I told her I really didn't want to go home. She came back in an hour and I was a FOUR! I was having a BABY! She asked if I wanted an epidural and I said without a doubt yes. Caleb reminded me that I had asked him to help me go natural at least for a little bit, I told him I went natural the whole drive over and that was good enough for me. The contractions were really painful and I did not have a coping strategy. I could breathe through them but Caleb couldn't touch me and I just wanted to scream. Good job to all you go naturals out there. So NOT for me. After the epidural I was a 5.5. I could still feel the contractions on my right side pretty intense so they moved me to my right side. Then I relaxed. I watched some "I love Lucy" and that made me happy. When that was over we watched a cooking competition and it was awesome, even our nurse got in on it. By this time I was so thirsty. Actually I was thirsty before we got to the hospital. I wished we would have stopped at a gas station. I had a lot of ice chips. The nurse checked me about 45 mins later and I was a 10 and 100% effaced. She told me to get ready, she was going to call the Dr in. I could not believe it. I labored for 12 hrs with pman and pushed for over 2. This was all happening very fast. The Dr came in and they got everything ready. Nothing quite like laying with your legs spread open, tons of lights shinning and people getting things ready around you. The Dr broke my water (which was huge, the nurse couldn't believe how big my bag of water was and Caleb said it was like a waterfall). I could feel the contractions on my right side (because I was on my left side too long) but it wasn't painful, just aware. They told me to start pushing. I couldn't tell if I was pushing at all. Oh I should mention, when they broke my water they found meconium so they had to call the respiratory team. The second contraction that I pushed, Shirley's heart rate dropped drastically, they put oxygen on me and told me to wait a few contractions before pushing again. When I heard it drop I panicked. It was such a drastic drop. But she perked right up and I pushed again. The Dr said he might have to get the forceps. I also did NOT want to use anything like we had to with pman. The nurse helped me push a different way and suddenly all the nurses and Dr were cheering. I giggled because I didn't know what I did but it sure made them happy. I pushed again and the nurse said to look and there was a little head coming out of my body. Still so weird and not my favorite thing. And then she was born! And suddenly the room was filled with screaming. From Shirley. She came out so ticked off and was going to let everyone know! The respiratory team checked her out and she was fine, thankfully. The weighed her and checked her all out, 7 lbs 14 oz of perfect. !9.5 inches long. She had dark hair. She was beautiful. The nurse gave her to me and let me hold her. She was pecking around for some food and I was able to nurse her. The Dr fixed me up. I felt like I held her for a long time. Then Shirley and Daddy went to get cleaned up and I ordered breakfast and headed down to mother baby. It was such an incredible experience. I couldn't have asked for it to go better. I tore in the same place as last time and lost a lot of blood. I just hope I heal normally this time, and the bleeding let up by the next day, I just had to have an IV for longer than usual. It was a truly beautiful experience. I felt like a rock star. I went into labor and I pushed that baby out on MY OWN! (well, with the dr and nurses) I was really happy with the whole experience. Things have already gone so much better. I was able to stand the next day and even walked myself out of the hospital! I can walk now and am not sitting in a doughnut any more. I know without a doubt this whole experience has been an answer to many prayers. And I am grateful my Heavenly Father answered them. A few people have asked how I have been doing emotionally, because of how bad it was with pman. Thankfully I feel really good emotionally too. I have had a few meltdowns and sometimes I cry for no reason (like when Caleb and I couldn't go vote together...what?really?) but I have been able to identify them and cope with them. I feel happy. I feel lucky. I feel blessed. I do NOT feel like I'm in the clear. I'm worried its going to creep in when all our helpers have gone and I'm by myself next week. And that may happen. But I have a plan if it does. I really just feel like my Heavenly Father's hand has been very present in my life. So little Shirley, that's how you came into this world. You still know how to scream, but if we swaddle you up you calm down, just like you did in the hospital. I love you. I feel like you were meant to come to our family at the time you came. I love your big brother and think I am beyond blessed to have you both. Your birthday was a happy day indeed!

Happy Birthday

Shirley Lynne decided she wanted to have a birthday party on Monday, October 29,2012. She weighed 7lbs 14 ounces and was 19.5 inches long. She is a doll and we are in love. Birth Story soon to follow...

The bump goes on...

These are not in order and I just have to be ok with that. The one at the beach is me at 28 weeks. That was a good week ;). This pregnancy has been so different than Porter's. I didn't get sick right away, more like 8 weeks. I was really sick but didn't vomit nearly as much. I was so tired. And then around 20 weeks I felt pretty good. I was able to keep running, just not as hard or as far for a lot longer. I ran my last mile two weeks ago and it was an 11:50 min/mile. It was amazing, it felt so good...until later that day and the next. Hence I hung up my running shoes for the next few weeks. I hardly read the What to Expect When Expecting, I can hardly remember what week I am, as you can see I forgot to take some pictures some weeks, I don't nearly feel ready. I can hardly believe I'm knocking on 2 weeks. She was transverse, so laying sideways, not head down. That was a scary Dr's visit. So far she has moved head down, but isn't locked and is kinda bobbing around. Hopefully I will know more next week. I do NOT want a C-section. At all. But we don't always get what we want, now do we. I am so excited to meet her, I looked at pictures of Pman as a baby and it made me giddy with excitement. On the other hand I'm really scared, but I already told you about that. And can I just give a big thankyou to all of your sweet comments, emails, texts, prayers, and thoughts. It was so comforting. Well that's all for now!

Park City- Our First Gettaway!

The Hubs' work had a weekend getaway for some of their employees at The Hotel Park City. We were lucky to go. Claire (Caleb's sister at BYU) watched pman. This was huge. It was the first time we have gotten away since having pman and MY FIRST TIME MISSING A NIGHT!!! I was so excited. Don't get me wrong, I love my kid but I am still a fun girl that has a crush on her hubs. I was giggling the whole way up there. The cottage we stayed in was AMAZING. Our first night we walked around and talked with friends and then we enjoyed sparkling cider in our private hot tub on the balcony, it was awesome. Sat morning I tried to sleep in but at 7 I couldn't handle it, so Caleb and I went and hit up the gym. It was super nice and clean. I enjoyed a few miles on the treadmill and did some other stuff and Caleb pumped iron. Then we went back got ready really fast and went and had a delish breakfast on Main street. We walked around, talked and took our time. Then we went to the OUTLETS! The company gave each employee a gift card and some coupons. We went shopping for free! It was really fun, Caleb and I held hands and talked and talked. My sister was also shopping there so we were able to sneak some fun girl time in and look at baby stuff while Caleb hung out with his friends. We shopped for hours! I was in heaven ;) Then we went back to the hotel and took a nap!! Then I took a BATH, a long one! And then just cuz I could I took a shower in the waterfall shower. Then I took my time doing my hair and makeup! SO fun. Next up we had a dinner reservation at Ruth Chris' with everyone from the company. It was fun to talk with the people I knew and the food was ok. The dessert was amazing. After dinner we had some friends over in the hot tub and talking and then the hubs and I climbed in that huge bed and crashed! Sunday morning we slept in, got ready, had a fun breakfast on Main street and headed home. We were ready to see our little man again. It really was an amazing weekend. I loved it!

Scared

That's me. I'm scared. I have 27 days left. But she is welcome to come late. 27 days and then I will have kidS. Two. A toddler and a newborn. A boy and a girl. I will have two car seats (not sure how they will fit in my car) two little ones. Two mouths to feed, two hands to wash, two people to keep alive. And that kinda scares me. But not as much as having the baby. As in bringing her into this world. Out of my body. That's what really, really scares me. What if I have the same problems, complications and sickness as I has with Porter. That's scary. I can't imagine what I will do. Porter will be aware if I can't sit, walk or move, and he will suffer too. Enough thinking about that. I'm also really scared of after I have her. I don't know if I posted it, but I had a hard time. I am pretty sure I had post pardom depression. But didn't realize it. Because all the doctors said if I had thoughts of hurting my baby. I NEVER had those thoughts. I thought he was perfect. I was so in love with him. I simply thought I shouldn't live anymore. I thought I wasn't going to be good enough for him, or I didn't deserve him. So I should probably die. Those were really scary times. Those thoughts were so real, if I think about them it makes me feel ill now. I didn't know to ask for help, I didn't want help, my mom tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. This is how I know prayers are answered. At three in the morning when I thought I should just kill myself (and it was always like that, very calm and matter of fact, I JUST should...) my mom and my sister katie were there. That time was such a dark time of my life. So dark I literally couldn't see a light at the end. And that's what frustrates me about post babies, no one ever told me about feeling that way. I know some people think of harming their babies, but what about those that never have those thoughts. We still need help. It is some much broader than they explained it to me. But know I know. And that brings comfort and terror all at the same time. So I'm scared. I'm really scared...

My Porter Boy

My sweet Porter boy, You are going through some changes. Some are normal growing and developing and some are not. I'm not sure what's going on in your world. But it has been rocked. And I am so afraid that if I don't get you back on track you will be even more in f or it when the baby comes. I need to find you a new sitter. It's just not working out. You scream and cry on the days I work, you get really quiet right after I pick you up. You cried the whole drive over there this am begging me to "please take you home." It broke my heart. I cried the whole way with you. I got to work late and teary eyed. Luckily, people expect that of pregnant people. The doctor thinks you have night terrors. You've been sleeping in our bed lately. At least that way we all get to sleep...sort of. I'm worried about you. You can't tell me everything. But I know something is wrong. I've had this gut feeling for awhile. And I'm done ignoring it. I had to leave work early to get you today. That stresses me out because I don't like to leave work when work needs to be done. But let me make sure you get this straight, I would quit in a heartbeat for you. I would work the night shift at Walmart of all places to make sure you are ok. I have something in the works, hopefully I will have good news to tell you tomorrow. But for now, know I am going to figure it out. Because I love you. And I worry about you. And I am so sorry things have been rough on you. You are normally a happy little man. I am going to fix your world. Because you are my world. I love you. Mommy/mom (depending on your mood)

Breaking the news

I found out I was pregnant on a saturday morning at around 5 am. I was so excited I woke up early and snuck downstairs. I didn't have a picture with the test with Porter because I never got a positive one. I was thrilled! I didn't want to tell Caleb in a lame way, after all the fortune cookies were the BEST idea. But I also couldn't do the same thing. So later that night we had a date night planned at Color Me Mine. We made a competition that the most creative piece could choose the place for dessert. So we colored our while not showing the other what we were doing. Then at the end we showed each other. Caleb just laughed and laughed and then when we got outside he gave me a huge hug. He said he didn't want to make a big deal in public but he was thrilled. I love that I have the mug to keep forever. I got Porter the BIG BRO shirt and thats how we told our family and friends. At 11 weeks I had a bladder infection and had to go to the ER, they thought I had something wrong with my appendix, so we got a sneak peek at our little one. About 10 weeks before our real ultrasound we made a gender countdown chain. I really thought I was having a boy. I was pleasantly surprised to find out otherwise.

Rex Lee 2012

I think we have done this race every year with the exception of when I had Porter. This year we ran in support of my Grandmother "Ma". She was not doing well at this point but I think she knew I was running for her. I was 8 weeks pregnant and hadn't told anyone or gone to the doctor so I took it easy. I think I finished in 29 or 30 mins. It was a fun run and I always get emotional when running these kinds of races. At one point we were running up a hill and a Dad was pushing his son in a wheelchair. Touched my heart. I offered to take a turn but they wanted to do it themselves. So inspirational!